She Needs Help

I think I should be on my own. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who works well in relationships. As I said in my previous post, I take what should be a good relationship and overthink it so much in my ridiculous little mind that I turn it into something that hurts me, that’s hard to deal with, that makes me question EVERYTHING. I make it hard. And it shouldn’t be right? There are people who would jump on that and say if it’s hard then it’s not the right person, but most of what makes it hard isn’t him. It’s me. Its my constant overthinking and questioning, it’s me living in my head 90% of the time. Leading me to the conclusion that I am just not supposed to be with someone. I am the problem.

Now, the reason this is something I cannot say out loud and instead choose to post whilst hiding behind my keyboard is that I am in a relationship. Can you imagine the response I might get if I was to tell my future husband that I think I’d be better of single? I know if he said that to me I would, without hesitation, assume that it was my fault, that he wanted to end it, that he’d rather be on his own than with me.

This is not the case. I love my partner, deeply. Probably a little too much. And I don’t want to end it, I wont end it. But..

I can only imagine how clear my head would be if I only had myself and my kids to think about. The majority of my overthinking is to do with my relationship with him. He is all I think about, constantly. And not in a “aww isn’t that sweet” kind of way. But in a “Does he even love me? Is he only with me because of the life its given him? Will he acknowledge me in the first 5 minutes of coming in the house when he gets home? Does he only have sex with me to tick it off the list? Does he think about other girls?” kind of a way. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

The self destructive, agonising whirl of thoughts that goes through my head constantly is so loud that it drowns out everything else. There is nothing else. Only the thoughts, the fears, the anxiety, the crushing feeling in my chest. If I was alone, there wouldn’t be all of that, there would be peace.

Of course there would also be loneliness I suppose, but I feel like that wouldn’t be so loud.

I yo-yo between trying to make myself better, and thinking that I need to accept that this is me and I cant be fixed, giving in is probably a more honest way of putting it. I try to not care so much. I try to go fully the opposite way and become numb to everything, which can work for a bit, but it obviously isn’t the best for our relationship when I suddenly have no interest in anything, when I don’t smile or laugh, and in reality I don’t know if that quiets the overthinking or just buries it and lets it build.

You know what my biggest fantasy is? And calm down, it is in no way sexual. It is living in a one 1 bed apartment, completely alone, no Fiancé, no kids, no dogs or cats, no mess, no clutter. It’d be quiet and clean and I would only have myself to worry about. I’d do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and my mind would be so clear you’d be able to look in one ear and see out the other. Does anyone know that this is my biggest fantasy? God no! (Except you lovely people reading this – shh don’t tell). Because it would be awful to say that allowed. To admit to the people closest to me that I fantasize about them not existing. My kids! Wouldn’t that be a lovely little story coming from their mum. No this is a secret fantasy, to be kept that way.

I guess I’m just tired. Tired of looking after everyone else so much that I don’t look after myself. Tired of being relied upon, tired of feeling needed instead of wanted. But most of all, I’m tired of the thoughts all of that brings, the negative horrible thoughts that keep me in a state of unhappiness.