She Needs Help

Way to start this cheery blog/diary/record of brain vomit ay? Well I shall be honest with you, if you’ve landed here looking for a vacation in positive land, you are going to be sorely disappointed. For this is not a place for the positive, the upbeat, the “just don’t worry so much” types. This is where I write down the contents of my brain in the hope that it helps, I guess?! If not, then in the hopes that it helps someone out there to think they’re not crazy, someone’s brain tries to self destruct their life on a daily basis just like yours! (Though to be frank, I would probably consider myself at least a little nuts, and you probably are too – but hey, who wants to be normal?)

Todays leading thought – Not being enough. This is a common theme in my life, in my brain, in my existence on this planet. Is that to say I’m never enough, not necessarily, is it to say that even when I am I will convince myself otherwise? Absolutely! My nemesis, my worst enemy in the whole world is my own brain. I hate it, I get violently angry at my own brain, I feel I have so little control over what goes on up there and in turn how I react to what it gives me to work with.

Lately, I have been feeling the nagging feeling of not being good enough, I say lately, this has been ongoing pretty much all my life, I know to root cause, but that doesn’t really help it go away. However I go through phases where it overwhelms me to such a degree that I feel emotionally crippled by it. It effects my friendships, my parenting, my work, but most of all my relationship. It digs in deep when it comes to my partner. Fiancé to be specific. I so often do not feel like I’m doing a good enough job at being happy enough, fun enough, sexy enough, pretty enough or even interesting enough. Funny thing is, the more I worry and overthink about this stuff the less happy, fun, sexy, pretty or interesting I get. Because it consumes me, I question every move by him, every look, every slight hint of a tone and I get down. Often times I hide it, bury it deep (healthy I know) but sometimes it becomes too much and I cant hide it anymore, then that causes issues between me and him. Because he just doesn’t seem to get it. He isn’t an overthinker, honestly he’s probably best described as an under thinker! Wouldn’t that be nice ay?

I frequently think that someone like me shouldn’t be in a relationship, because it’s just too much to think about, especially when you think about things to the degree that I do. I don’t find it easy. That’s not to say that it is a difficult relationship that I am in, I’m sure to most people it would be fine, great even, I just don’t know if I’m capable of enjoying it for what it is, does that make any sense at all? I hope so, if you’re reading this as a fellow overthinker then it probably does, if however you are not one to constantly be buried by an avalanche of your own thoughts you probably think I’m batshit.

Now then, has my Fiancé ever told me I’m not good enough? Nope, never. Has he reassured me that I am on the rare occasion I show him the inside of my brain, yes, always. So why do I not believe it? Why when he chooses to play on his games instead of do something with me is that automatically because I’m boring. Why when he cant get through a 5 minute conversation with me without picking up his phone and getting distracted does that mean that I have nothing interesting to say. Why when he chooses, how should I say… self-pleasure, over sex with me is it because I am not sexy enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough, at least not compared to the many disappointments to their parents that he’s leering at whilst performing said task.

Why does my brain convince me that its simply because I am not enough. And no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be.